An Audience of One

Growing up, I battled tremendous anxiety. My stomach would be in knots every morning before school. I was terrified that I would make a fool of myself in front of my classmates. To me, that meant anything from tripping on the playground to getting less than an A+ on an assignment. I did my best to fly under the radar, and if I got through the day without embarrassment, I considered it a win.

Was that stupid? Yes. And more than a little prideful. You’ve heard the adage, “Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself; it’s thinking of yourself less.” Well, back then, I hadn’t. And I wouldn’t have understood it anyway.

If I could tell my younger self one thing, it would be, “You have an audience of one. Only his opinion matters.”

Jesus is my judge, my shophet. 

It’s something I was intentional in instilling in my kids. I didn’t want them going to school with a knot in their stomach.

With my son, that wasn’t much of a concern. The picture of him in his uniform is from his first day of kindergarten. He’s always danced to the beat of his own drum. Who knows what he was doing in the other picture. He lived loud.

And now he follows the Lord with his whole heart. I’m blessed.

My daughter, on the other hand, felt tremendous pressure to be perfect. The demands of ballet can be brutal. She had many teachers who demeaned her in ways subtle and not so subtle. She wasn’t singled out, but it didn’t make the criticism easier to bear. But she kept her eyes on Jesus and lived to honor him.

²³ Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord and not for people, ²⁴ knowing that it is from the Lord that you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve. – Colossians 3:23-24

 

That verse popped up in our rotation of memory verses every year, and it was for me as much as it was for them. We have a righteous judge who understands our weaknesses. Keeping our eyes on him and trusting him with our fears and failures is the path to peace.